True Talk From the Brain of Toby

Working 3rd shift gives me a lot of time to think.  Tonight I thought about all the changes and things that have occurred in the past 8 months.  And then I thought about the actions of friends and so called friends.  And then all of this swam through my head.  Enjoy! 

First of all I have learned that tomorrow is not a promise.  In more ways than one.  In March I lost a friend who had been a very close friend of mine back in the day.  We had just caught up maybe a year or so before he died and I was really excited about having him back in my life.  Sadly though we didn't have much time and I wish that I had made more time to see him.  I can't change that but I wish I could.  I won't say I regret it because I'm not regretting anything in my life anymore.  

Which brings me to this.  NO REGRETS.  I can honestly say as bad as I've hurt and continue to hurt from my lost relationship, there really is nothing I regret.  Of course there are things I wish I could have done differently and I wish I hadn't been as stupid or naive, but that is who I am and I can't change that.  But as far as the entire relationship I don't regret it.  I made some great friends and had some fantastic times in the course of my 4+ years with Zak.  I wouldn't change a minute of it if I could.  I guess Garth Brooks summed it up pretty well in The Dance.

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

NO REGRETS!!  :)

Lastly to all of my  friends that have stood by me through the good, the bad and the extremely fugly.  I have this to say...

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for tolerating me through the real tears and the foolish tears and my foolish pride.  I will never claim to be perfect or anything even close.  All I ask is that you accept me for who I am and for all my flaws.  I promise to love you all unconditionally and hope that you do the same.  Call me out on all the stupid things I do or say.  I may not like it, but it will be noted in my brain and someday I might realize the error of my ways.  Because I know that you want me to be happy and to grow into the best person I can be.  And for this I love you.  

I wasn't going to add this part and quite honestly the people it is directed to probably won't even see this, but I feel that it has to be said so that it's out of my head.  Those of you who felt our friendship wasn't worth all this, I'm sorry.  I never asked anyone to choose sides.  Most of my friends could accept this and stay neutral (as much as they could), but a select few sorry asses couldn't and for that I'm sorry.  Sorry that you aren't strong enough to handle it.  And sorry that our friendship had to come to an end.  But at least you weren't fake and pretended to be my friends while secretly playing for the other team.  Well all but one of you...

Things I Learned About Myself Wednesday Night

After a looooong 2 weeks of working constantly I enjoyed a night out w/some friends.  Pre gaming was a must because I'm broke.  So the night just started out on a steep decline. 

1.  I can do an awesome Amy Winehouse impersonation.  Just w/o all the drugs and dying.
2.  I make poor decisions about discussing my feelings w/people.
3.  I love So Co w/tabasco. 
4.  I can not only use the word pretentious while drunk, I can spell it properly too.
5.  I need a phone "sitter" when I'm emotional and drinking. 
6.  Rock bottom isn't as scary as I thought it could be. 
7.  Singing Paradise by the Dashboard Light w/someone other than him, was the closure I was looking for.  :)