Fifty Shades of My Opinion

So yes, as most women I know I have read Fifty Shades of Grey.  Well at least the first 2 books.  I have to admit I'm in love with the books so far.  It really has me thinking about relationships.  Oh yes, here I go again.

Relationships are one of the most important things in our lives.  Whether it be a relationship with your family, your friends or a partner, they are what get us through our tough times.  But let's focus on the partner relationship for now.

**SPOILER ALERT**

So yes, 50 Shades has lots of hot sex moments.  Lots and lots and lots and...well you get my point.  I have said that I am now ruined for life because of this book and at first I thought it was the sexual part of the book.  I have been thinking "Wow...this is so great.  I'll never have it this hot in my life"  Not that I haven't had great sex before, but my heavens this Ms. James either has a vivid imagination or an AMAZINGLY TALENTED HUSBAND. (Yes I'm using shouty capitals.) But then I realized it's not just that aspect of these books that have "ruined me".

Now that I've had time to think about it, I have come to realize that the most enticing part of these books is the fact that Anastasia "rescued" Christian from his demons by just being herself.  Maybe I'm the only one, but I think that it's utterly romantic that just by falling in love with Ana, Christian has been able to "recover" from his past.  I'm hoping that this part stays true through the last book, because I will be crushed.

I've always wanted to "fix" a broken man.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired.  But when I find a broken man that I'm attracted to, I immediately go into fix it mode.  I'm not talking about changing someone because I don't like they way they are, I'm talking about someone who has been through a tough emotional journey and trying to help them overcome it.  Whether it be a broken heart, a lost loved one or any other of life's garbage, I want to be the person that helps them be a better person.

So I find it so amazing that Ana "fixed" Mr Grey just by being who she is.  How incredibly awesome would that be?  Maybe someday...

Laters baby...Ha!  I had to say it.  <3 

The Novel of Life

My life is an ever changing story.  The chapters are still being written and the ending is still up in the air.  Every now and then I decide how I want the next chapter to take shape and the old me would obsess over it and try to control every little bit of the current chapter in effort to make the next chapter how I want it to be. 

But now I've come to realize that I can enjoy the story of my life better if I sit back and just let it unfold before me.  What was once my future has become my past.  I lived through it and I'm better now that I'm on the other side of it.  And to my surprise I've become content and happy.  Happier than I've been in years.  I keep a picture of me from when I was 18 on my front door.  That was one of the happiest times of my life and really the last time that life didn't feel like a struggle and I hope to get back there soon.  

Don't get me wrong, between then and now I've had some pretty great things happen to me.  I've made some great friends.  Some that I've lost touch with and some that I still have in my life.  And of course my Little One.  My biggest blessing of all.  <3 

So here's to the future!!  2012 is about getting back to a life of less stress, more fun and learning/growing from my mistakes.  No looking back and no regrets!!  Just life! 

New Year, New Toby

Change can be bad.  Change can be terrifying.  But change can also make you look at your life and force you to change.  Some of us change for the worse and some of us change for the better.  Some of us do a little of both.  That's me. 

At first I became an awful bitter shell of the person I once was.  I was angry and wanted nothing but to have my old life back.  I never thought I would be better and why should I even try to better myself.  I didn't care if I ever was happy again.  In fact I wallowed in the pain and fell farther into the bitter hole of loss. 

Next came the destructive behavior.  I can honestly say for awhile I didn't care if I lived or died.  I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't care if I did something stupid and I died.  Which was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done.  

Then one day I asked myself why.  Why would I allow this break up to define me?  Why would I want to not allow myself to live again?  I couldn't answer these questions and that's when I decided I was no longer going to allow the past to define me.  The future is something to look forward to, not be afraid of. 

So here I am.  I'm 34, I'm fixing my life and I'm looking forward to the future.  I have hopes and plans and dreams.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and that's ok.  For the first time in my life I am not afraid of tomorrow.  If I have a bad day, I know I'll be ok because there are good days ahead.  This year is going to be an amazing year.  I don't know why or how, but I know that I will make it amazing.  :) 

The Ongoing Bliss of Moving On...

I FINALLY feel like I've cleared the top of this mountain I've been struggling to get up.  I don't know if it's the new year or just time that has giving me the extra push to make it to the top, but I'm there.  I'm looking behind and seeing things more clearly and I'm looking ahead and am getting excited by the future and the "could be's". 

One thing that's helping is my crush.  It's just a crush and most likely will stay a crush because too many factors keep me from acting on it.  But the fact that I have these new feelings and the excitement they bring with it are comforting.  I can feel again and I will feel more and more as time moves on. 

The once slow progression of moving on has started to pick up pace.  I'm so ready to write the next chapter in my life.  It's been a long time coming.  :)