New Year, New Toby

Change can be bad.  Change can be terrifying.  But change can also make you look at your life and force you to change.  Some of us change for the worse and some of us change for the better.  Some of us do a little of both.  That's me. 

At first I became an awful bitter shell of the person I once was.  I was angry and wanted nothing but to have my old life back.  I never thought I would be better and why should I even try to better myself.  I didn't care if I ever was happy again.  In fact I wallowed in the pain and fell farther into the bitter hole of loss. 

Next came the destructive behavior.  I can honestly say for awhile I didn't care if I lived or died.  I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't care if I did something stupid and I died.  Which was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done.  

Then one day I asked myself why.  Why would I allow this break up to define me?  Why would I want to not allow myself to live again?  I couldn't answer these questions and that's when I decided I was no longer going to allow the past to define me.  The future is something to look forward to, not be afraid of. 

So here I am.  I'm 34, I'm fixing my life and I'm looking forward to the future.  I have hopes and plans and dreams.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and that's ok.  For the first time in my life I am not afraid of tomorrow.  If I have a bad day, I know I'll be ok because there are good days ahead.  This year is going to be an amazing year.  I don't know why or how, but I know that I will make it amazing.  :) 

The Ongoing Bliss of Moving On...

I FINALLY feel like I've cleared the top of this mountain I've been struggling to get up.  I don't know if it's the new year or just time that has giving me the extra push to make it to the top, but I'm there.  I'm looking behind and seeing things more clearly and I'm looking ahead and am getting excited by the future and the "could be's". 

One thing that's helping is my crush.  It's just a crush and most likely will stay a crush because too many factors keep me from acting on it.  But the fact that I have these new feelings and the excitement they bring with it are comforting.  I can feel again and I will feel more and more as time moves on. 

The once slow progression of moving on has started to pick up pace.  I'm so ready to write the next chapter in my life.  It's been a long time coming.  :)