Fifty Shades of My Opinion

So yes, as most women I know I have read Fifty Shades of Grey.  Well at least the first 2 books.  I have to admit I'm in love with the books so far.  It really has me thinking about relationships.  Oh yes, here I go again.

Relationships are one of the most important things in our lives.  Whether it be a relationship with your family, your friends or a partner, they are what get us through our tough times.  But let's focus on the partner relationship for now.

**SPOILER ALERT**

So yes, 50 Shades has lots of hot sex moments.  Lots and lots and lots and...well you get my point.  I have said that I am now ruined for life because of this book and at first I thought it was the sexual part of the book.  I have been thinking "Wow...this is so great.  I'll never have it this hot in my life"  Not that I haven't had great sex before, but my heavens this Ms. James either has a vivid imagination or an AMAZINGLY TALENTED HUSBAND. (Yes I'm using shouty capitals.) But then I realized it's not just that aspect of these books that have "ruined me".

Now that I've had time to think about it, I have come to realize that the most enticing part of these books is the fact that Anastasia "rescued" Christian from his demons by just being herself.  Maybe I'm the only one, but I think that it's utterly romantic that just by falling in love with Ana, Christian has been able to "recover" from his past.  I'm hoping that this part stays true through the last book, because I will be crushed.

I've always wanted to "fix" a broken man.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired.  But when I find a broken man that I'm attracted to, I immediately go into fix it mode.  I'm not talking about changing someone because I don't like they way they are, I'm talking about someone who has been through a tough emotional journey and trying to help them overcome it.  Whether it be a broken heart, a lost loved one or any other of life's garbage, I want to be the person that helps them be a better person.

So I find it so amazing that Ana "fixed" Mr Grey just by being who she is.  How incredibly awesome would that be?  Maybe someday...

Laters baby...Ha!  I had to say it.  <3 

The Novel of Life

My life is an ever changing story.  The chapters are still being written and the ending is still up in the air.  Every now and then I decide how I want the next chapter to take shape and the old me would obsess over it and try to control every little bit of the current chapter in effort to make the next chapter how I want it to be. 

But now I've come to realize that I can enjoy the story of my life better if I sit back and just let it unfold before me.  What was once my future has become my past.  I lived through it and I'm better now that I'm on the other side of it.  And to my surprise I've become content and happy.  Happier than I've been in years.  I keep a picture of me from when I was 18 on my front door.  That was one of the happiest times of my life and really the last time that life didn't feel like a struggle and I hope to get back there soon.  

Don't get me wrong, between then and now I've had some pretty great things happen to me.  I've made some great friends.  Some that I've lost touch with and some that I still have in my life.  And of course my Little One.  My biggest blessing of all.  <3 

So here's to the future!!  2012 is about getting back to a life of less stress, more fun and learning/growing from my mistakes.  No looking back and no regrets!!  Just life! 

New Year, New Toby

Change can be bad.  Change can be terrifying.  But change can also make you look at your life and force you to change.  Some of us change for the worse and some of us change for the better.  Some of us do a little of both.  That's me. 

At first I became an awful bitter shell of the person I once was.  I was angry and wanted nothing but to have my old life back.  I never thought I would be better and why should I even try to better myself.  I didn't care if I ever was happy again.  In fact I wallowed in the pain and fell farther into the bitter hole of loss. 

Next came the destructive behavior.  I can honestly say for awhile I didn't care if I lived or died.  I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't care if I did something stupid and I died.  Which was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done.  

Then one day I asked myself why.  Why would I allow this break up to define me?  Why would I want to not allow myself to live again?  I couldn't answer these questions and that's when I decided I was no longer going to allow the past to define me.  The future is something to look forward to, not be afraid of. 

So here I am.  I'm 34, I'm fixing my life and I'm looking forward to the future.  I have hopes and plans and dreams.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and that's ok.  For the first time in my life I am not afraid of tomorrow.  If I have a bad day, I know I'll be ok because there are good days ahead.  This year is going to be an amazing year.  I don't know why or how, but I know that I will make it amazing.  :) 

The Ongoing Bliss of Moving On...

I FINALLY feel like I've cleared the top of this mountain I've been struggling to get up.  I don't know if it's the new year or just time that has giving me the extra push to make it to the top, but I'm there.  I'm looking behind and seeing things more clearly and I'm looking ahead and am getting excited by the future and the "could be's". 

One thing that's helping is my crush.  It's just a crush and most likely will stay a crush because too many factors keep me from acting on it.  But the fact that I have these new feelings and the excitement they bring with it are comforting.  I can feel again and I will feel more and more as time moves on. 

The once slow progression of moving on has started to pick up pace.  I'm so ready to write the next chapter in my life.  It's been a long time coming.  :) 

True Talk From the Brain of Toby

Working 3rd shift gives me a lot of time to think.  Tonight I thought about all the changes and things that have occurred in the past 8 months.  And then I thought about the actions of friends and so called friends.  And then all of this swam through my head.  Enjoy! 

First of all I have learned that tomorrow is not a promise.  In more ways than one.  In March I lost a friend who had been a very close friend of mine back in the day.  We had just caught up maybe a year or so before he died and I was really excited about having him back in my life.  Sadly though we didn't have much time and I wish that I had made more time to see him.  I can't change that but I wish I could.  I won't say I regret it because I'm not regretting anything in my life anymore.  

Which brings me to this.  NO REGRETS.  I can honestly say as bad as I've hurt and continue to hurt from my lost relationship, there really is nothing I regret.  Of course there are things I wish I could have done differently and I wish I hadn't been as stupid or naive, but that is who I am and I can't change that.  But as far as the entire relationship I don't regret it.  I made some great friends and had some fantastic times in the course of my 4+ years with Zak.  I wouldn't change a minute of it if I could.  I guess Garth Brooks summed it up pretty well in The Dance.

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

NO REGRETS!!  :)

Lastly to all of my  friends that have stood by me through the good, the bad and the extremely fugly.  I have this to say...

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for tolerating me through the real tears and the foolish tears and my foolish pride.  I will never claim to be perfect or anything even close.  All I ask is that you accept me for who I am and for all my flaws.  I promise to love you all unconditionally and hope that you do the same.  Call me out on all the stupid things I do or say.  I may not like it, but it will be noted in my brain and someday I might realize the error of my ways.  Because I know that you want me to be happy and to grow into the best person I can be.  And for this I love you.  

I wasn't going to add this part and quite honestly the people it is directed to probably won't even see this, but I feel that it has to be said so that it's out of my head.  Those of you who felt our friendship wasn't worth all this, I'm sorry.  I never asked anyone to choose sides.  Most of my friends could accept this and stay neutral (as much as they could), but a select few sorry asses couldn't and for that I'm sorry.  Sorry that you aren't strong enough to handle it.  And sorry that our friendship had to come to an end.  But at least you weren't fake and pretended to be my friends while secretly playing for the other team.  Well all but one of you...

Things I Learned About Myself Wednesday Night

After a looooong 2 weeks of working constantly I enjoyed a night out w/some friends.  Pre gaming was a must because I'm broke.  So the night just started out on a steep decline. 

1.  I can do an awesome Amy Winehouse impersonation.  Just w/o all the drugs and dying.
2.  I make poor decisions about discussing my feelings w/people.
3.  I love So Co w/tabasco. 
4.  I can not only use the word pretentious while drunk, I can spell it properly too.
5.  I need a phone "sitter" when I'm emotional and drinking. 
6.  Rock bottom isn't as scary as I thought it could be. 
7.  Singing Paradise by the Dashboard Light w/someone other than him, was the closure I was looking for.  :)

People That Annoy Me Pt 2: Pay Attention To Me Patty

Patty has issues.  And Patty let's you know about these issues.  Quite often.  You can usually pick out Patty by her rotating group of close friends.  She is constantly sucking them in and spitting them out.  No, not spitting them out.  That's not correct.  They usually run screaming out of the rotating door. 
   
Patty sucks you in by making you feel sorry for her.  Oh she has such a terrible life.  This week her dog got hepatitis on Monday, she ran out of gas on the highway on Tuesday, on Wednesday she got food poisoning and Thursday she had a complete mental breakdown because she heard a song on the radio that made her think of her poor dog with hepatitis and she just couldn't take it anymore.  And all her friends have abandoned her and she is miserable. 

Once you are sucked into the trap you are helpless.  If you are like me you try to make poor Patty's life better and less miserable.  You spend weeks chatting with her and spending time working tirelessly to improve her world.   Sadly with Pay Attention to Me Patty you cannot reach this goal.  She is in need of constant attention.  If you fix her life, then she won't have anything to use in her quest for constant attention.  And then you realize that most of the stuff that she used to get your attention was either by her doing or greatly exaggerated.  The dog with hepatitis?  Turns out it's just a gluten allergy.  The reason she ran out of gas?  Cuz she was too lazy to stop for it.  Food poisoning?  Nope it was a hangover from the pity me bender the night
before.  And well the song that caused the mental breakdown, that was just made up. 

Soon you will find yourself pawing at the rotating door of this friendship, struggling furiously to get out.  Luckily for you, another sucker comes along and pushes you out the door.  FREEDOM!!!!!