Look What I Found!!

I just found this in some old stuff.  It was something I typed up in final days at my old job.  Obviously I was ready for a change...

7/15/10

 11:04 am

Ugh.  So after being off work for a week I am back to work.  And it effin sux.  Fiance had to literally drag me out of bed this morning.  And I do mean literally.  7:20 he is yanking me by the arm and I'm making myself as limp as possible.  But he finally got me up and moving.  Did I mention I had to leave by 7:25.  Yeah didn't happen, so no time to stop for coffee and I am really really low on gas.  Here's to hoping I make it to the gas station after work. 

So yeah, so far today I've answered 5 phone calls, done 3 sheets of paperwork, filed 2 things, took my smoke break, went to the lunchroom for coffee and applied my makeup.  Oh and I ordered a book.  Whoo.  I'm using so much of my potential today.  My high school guidance counselor must be thrilled.  Oh wait...that fat old perv is dead, so he is probably rolling over in his grave.  If he has any room to. 

11:17 am

So yeah.  In the middle of typing this my boss comes over and tells me we have to go to HR.  Super.  I knew it was because yesterday I was to come back to work and I thought I hit snooze, but didn't.  I woke up at 12ish and called in freaking out.  So I'm on written warning and next stop is termination if it happens again.  Mother beep...

Well at least I have a pizza coming for lunch.  Hallelujah!  And tomorrow is Friday too.  Which means I only have to be here til 12.  Not that I've been here all week, but still.  Fiance and I are hoping that soon I will be able to quit.  The only downfall will be that I won't have health insurance.  Maybe I can just mooch off the system for awhile til we can afford it.  Hell why not right?  And didn't Obama pass something about some new healthcare or something?  I should read up on that. 

Oh so yeah, when I went to HR they had to take my pic cuz we have a new president and she needs to put names w/faces.  Thank god I put makeup on like 5 min before I got called down there!  Phew!

So sucky thing, my new meds are making me so sick in my stomach.  Good thing though is that I'm losing weight.  Even Fiance noticed. 

12:57 pm

3 hours 32 minutes to go.  Sigh.  Not much to do.  Read some articles online on MSN about missing children.  That was a real picker upper.  Riiiight.  Put on some lip gloss too. 

Lunch was super exciting.  Called my insurance company to pay my bill and then ate a slice of pizza and smoked a cigarette.  I'll tell ya, I live a wild and crazy life.  I can't wait to get home to see my daughter.  With me being sick that last week, I feel like I haven't seen her in forever.  I really miss that little stinker. 

So yeah, I am not working at the studio this summer.  Studio owner wants me to take the summer off and try to get my health in order.  Unfortunately working there is not the issue.  I love it there and am very sad that I'm not gonna be there for awhile.  But it will be nice to have off.  Especially since I only work 36 hours at my FT job.

1:11 pm

OMG I just yawned on the phone w/a customer.  I swear these meds have made me stupid!!

1:25 pm

Tick tock tick tock...walked to the cooler for some water.  3 hours 5 min to go!  Oh I almost forgot to mention I got a new vehicle.  It's a prize I'll tell ya!   It's 1990-something Voyager.  Gray w/wood paneling.   Super hot!  I really think I will let my graffiti artist friend just have at it.  WTF right? 

1:34 pm

Twirling in my chair and staring at the ceiling.  Feeling a bit dizzy.  And I yawned a couple more times.  Think I need some more coffee.  Have to wait til everyone is back from lunch before I can go though.  L 

1:43 pm

Just spent a good minute playing a game w/the motion sensor light above my desk.  I sit real still til the red light goes off and then sit up real fast, as if I can startle it.  Wow.  Also I yawned 4 times in 10 minutes.  I kept track.  I may have missed one though.   And I'm up to a whole 10 calls today. 

2:16 pm

Whoo hoo soon break time!  Got my coffee so I am a little more alert than earlier!

2:42 pm

Just got back from break!  It is so hot out.  I have my little sweat goatee goin on.  Lovely.  Time for some face powder and more lipstick! 

2:45 pm

Ok just to let you know what kind of area I live in, I go online and under local activities on MSN the top event is Quilt Odyssey 2010.  Really?!  Gosh I can't believe it's that time already.  Seems like it's only been a few months since Quilt Odyssey 2009...

2:49 pm

Ooooh found a tantalizing story on the history of Mullets...

3:11 pm

To quote my fiancé "I really just lack the give a shit today"  Not about my job, but about interactions w/people.  Not because my life is so important that others are trivial, I just don't really care today.  I mean if someone was hurt or upset I would care, but general day to day babble is really giving me a rash.

3:15 pm

My big decision so far this afternoon is should I apply lip gloss or lipstick?  Hmmm...stay tuned for my decision. 

3:19 pm

Lipstick it is.  Smoothness won over stickiness. 

3:39 pm

51 minutes to go...My bra is digging into me.  Grrrr.  I can't wait to get home and shower and get into my pjs. 

3:53 pm

37 more  minutes.  Thank god I ordered this pizza for lunch.  The leftovers will be dinner. 

TIME TO GO HOME!!!

Welcome To My Panic Attack

As most of you already know I have anxiety issues. I deal w/it everyday and some days are worse or better than others. Occasionally I have panic attacks. They can be triggered by huge things like being in a crowded room or stressful situations. I almost always have one when I get a severe migraine. But some just come out of the blue. Take yesterday for example. I sneezed and this happens.

My ears start to ring and my heart starts to race. Then my legs and hands start to shake. I try to start my breathing exercises but every sound I hear sounds menacing. My next trick is to try talking to myself to calm down but in my head it sounds like I am yelling at myself. I wish Zak was awake to help me through this, but I can't go upstairs to wake him. I scratch an itch and my skin hurts because I scratched way too hard. Try to smoke a cig to see if that will help. Nope. Ok let's try to eat something? Maybe but I'm too scared to move. I decide to drink some of my coffee. Nope. And that's when things get worse.

I shut my eyes and squeeze them hard together. I yell at myself to stop this BS. I wish I could just go to sleep but I know that won't happen. I wish I had my meds but I don't. That would make life so much easier.

That's when I decide to type this up so that I can share it w/you. I don't know why in that moment I thought of doing that but I did. Somehow I felt that sharing this moment with you will somehow make me feel less crazy. But now that I'm better I feel kinda silly, but I am sticking with my plan.

After I type up a mess of words that I just edited into a normal sentence structure so you could understand it, I stumble to the living room to curl into a ball until this passes. Luckily it didn't last much longer. It was a total of 45 minutes. But it's a painfully scary 45 minutes. I hate this and wish I could figure out how and why and what I can do to fix it.

Anyway, here is what this looked like before I edited it. 

Ears start to ring

heart starts to race

legs and hands start to shake

every sound is menacing

try talking to myself to calm down but that sounds like i'm yelling

wish zak was awake

scratch an itch and my skin hurts because I scratched way too hard

try a cig nope

eat? Maybe but i'm too scared to move

drink something

nope.

Shut my eyes and squeeze them hard together. Yell at myself to stop it

wish I oculd just go to sleep but I can't

wish I had my meds but I don't

decide to type this up so that I can share it w/you

stumble to the living room to curl into a ball until this passes.

Gathering My Zombie Fighters and Canned Goods!!!

 **OK THERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PIC HERE, BUT THE SERVER KEEPS REJECTING IT.  I SWEAR IT'S NOT PORN!  HOPEFULLY I CAN ADD IT LATER.  :(

What is with all these dead birds?!

They estimated something like 4,000-5,000 dead birds fell from the sky in Arkansas and now they found 500 more in Louisiana.

This scares me tremendously. I mean can you imagine if this happens in PA? Especially anywhere remotely near me? I can only imagine the scenarios that my brain will come up with.

First I will be like OMG the apocalypse has hit York County!! The end of the world is nearing! I will find all my loved ones and try to convince them all that we have to take shelter somewhere safe. Somewhere like Ray's shop in Windsor. This place is like 6 floors and made of solid brick. And there are so many rooms we can hide in. Can you hide from an apocalypse? I will have to investigate this. But at least you could hide from the thousands of bird carcasses raining down on South Central PA.

Then I will move on to OMFG these birds are carrying some sort of disease. It's like Swine Flu, Mad Cow and that other bird disease that I can't remember all rolled into one. It's gotta be contagious right? I must find thousands of those Michael Jackson face masks and give them to everyone I know. Except for the people I don't like. They can fend for themselves. Just kidding! I will sell them to the people I don't like for $50 each! I will be rich. Hopefully I won't contract this horrible disease and can enjoy my millions!

Then that thought will morph into OMFG WTF? I bet these birds have some kind of zombie disease. Oh no!!!!! What will I do? I don't know how to defeat zombies!! I'm not good at Nazi Zombies or Dead Rising and I've never even seen more than 30 minutes of any Resident Evil movies! Why oh why did I not pay attention to Bubbahotep one of the zillion times Zak has watched it!! Wait...I did learn some stuff from watching Zombieland. Um...double tap. That's all I remember! Crap!!! Ok I will draft Zak, Corey, Lily, Beav, Josh and Shawn to be my zombie fighting team! They are all good at killing zombies in Black Ops! I will just put them in a circle all w/their backs facing me and they can protect me!! Well maybe not Lily, she is usually used as a decoy when playing Black Ops. Never mind!! Ok I this plan will work!

All of this because some dead birds? And I'm not buying that “They were scared by fireworks” bit. I didn't buy for the Arkansas Bird Rain Disaster and I'm still not buying it for the Louisiana Winged Creature Hurricane of 2011. I can't believe I'm going to spend the next year watching the sky waiting for dead birds to come hurling towards me. It's bad enough I run and scream when a real live non zombie disease carrying bird comes within 10 feet of me in any direction. Now I have to worry about this? FML...I may never leave my house again.

So which of the 3 options that I've suggested makes sense to you?

Setbacks :(

So yeah. About that SuperHouseWifeMom thing. Well there was a little setback today.

You see, last night around 10 pm I was sooooo cold. Our house is very old and drafty. I was literally wearing jeans, socks, shoes, 3 shirts and a sweater. I decide to make myself some decaf coffee to warm up. But as usual I wasn't paying attention or thinking about what I was doing and I made espresso. That didn't turn out well. I was so wound tight that I was jiggling my leg non stop the whole time I was writing my blog last night. I didn't go to bed til 3:30.

I vaguely remember my alarm going off. I always set 2 alarms because I am so afraid of oversleeping. Well I guess when the first alarm went off I thought “Oh I can get another 5 minutes of sleep” and fell back asleep. And never heard my second alarm. Oops.

I woke up at 10:00 on the nose. I knew right away that I was late. And by the time that I would've gotten Lily fed and ready for school it would have been too late to sign her in. So we are having a mommy/daughter day. Which at this point we have only eaten breakfast and now we are both on the computer.

However after playing some Black Ops we are gonna clean. I just have to figure out a way for her to believe this is a good and fun idea! :)

I really need to go see my mom. She had surgery yesterday and she is in the hospital for another few days. I really hate going to the hospital. First of all I would have to drive there. Then I would have to find a parking space and walk into the building where I am sure there is way over 1000 people. That terrifies me. The way normal people are terrified of ax murderers or serial rapists. I am terrified of people in general.

I am much better than I was before though. For 5 weeks last year I didn't leave my house. I was too scared of the world to even think about venturing out into it. Sadly this led to me losing my full time job and also my part time job.

Now I am still terrified of the world, but I do go out in it sometimes. I work 4 days a week at the studio, so that gets me out there. However the whole time I am driving places I am so freaked out. I look for cars or trucks to be pulling out of nowhere or swerving into my lane. I picture cops around every corner who will pull me over and arrest me for just looking like I am afraid of the world. I sometimes look for airplanes falling out of the sky. But that's only when I'm sitting at a stoplight. Or waiting in traffic.

Yeah I'm a freak of nature. But I'm giving it a good effort. :)

Oh. In closing I wanted to let you know that at the suggestion of my Itsy Bitsy Buddy, I will be writing a blog about how Zak and I met and ended up together. It will be broken into a lot of parts I'm sure. But I will get to that soon I promise! 

And about the picture above.  I don't know why I feel compelled to put pics up, but I do. I try to make them having something to do with my blog, but sometimes they are just random like me.  I just google a phrase that I make up and see what happens.  Like today's phrase is super fluffy bunny face. 

Planning, Breakfast, Thwarting and Accomplishments!!

So I decided that since I only work part time that my day to day housekeeping chores are like another part time job. So I thought I was reeeeeeeeeal smart by devising a “Work Schedule” to keep me motivated. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea. Well actually I do know. It's because in my head I'm gonna be SuperHouseWifeMom!!! Here I go w/that again.

This was my plan for today...

8 am Wake up bright eyed and bushytailed. Skip to Lily's room and wake her up.

8:05 Make breakfast and eat with Lily. Yay!! So much fun family time!!

850 am Take Lily to school.

9 am Return home

Drink coffee and mess around online. This is my time to relax from doing all that other stuff.

10 am Work on laundry room.

11 am Make a healthy lunch. Eat while online

1145 pm Work on laundry room more

2 pm Shower and get ready for work. Then relax until time to pick Lily up.

315 Leave to go get Lily and make her dinner at mom's house.

410 pm Leave for work

4:30 til 8 Work

8-845 Hip Hop

845-915 Tap

Come home and relax w/my lovies! <3

What my day was really like.

8:15 Roll out of bed. Stumble to Lily's room, half hoping that she will decide she wants to stay home today, cuz I'm that lazy. She doesn't want to stay home. She wants to go to school. :(

8:20 Don't have to make breakfast because Lily wants to eat at school. Yaaaaay! :)

8:25 Realize it's ridiculously cold outside. Convince Zak to take Lily to school for me. :)

8:45 Kiss Lily goodbye and sit my butt in front of the computer until Zak gets home.

9ish Zak suggests we go out for breakfast. OMG!!! Yay!! Foooooooooooooood!!! The lack of food in our house is depressing and I suddenly get so excited I can barely contain myself. I run upstairs with the intention of showering. While undressing realize it's bloody cold and the thought of being wet and naked is not appealing. So I just throw on some deodorant and put a bandana on. I look in the mirror, this will not do. I look like I'm going through chemo. No I'm not making fun of cancer patients, I'm just worried that someone will think I have cancer. And then rumors will start and my family will hear them and then I will get terrified phone calls or something like that. Yeah my brain is not right.

THIS IS WHERE I STOP POSTING TIMES BECAUSE IT GETS KINDA HAZY FROM HERE.

I come downstairs after applying make up, because in my head cancer patients don't wear makeup. I know, that is ridiculous but whatever. All is right in my world at this point. I yell “READY!” with so much excitement that I startled Zak who was hard at work editing music.

Oh I have to change course here. This is quite funny...well at least I think it is.

Zak had been up all night working on some songs he recently recorded. At some point he started editing “Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show”. Apparently he was editing the one part for quite awhile. This part “Brothers...I said Brothers!”. Well my subconscious after hearing it played over and over again decided to mess w/me. I start dreaming that Foghorn Leghorn is a preacher and I attend his church. But all he kept saying was “Brothers...I said Brothers!” and I was so confused because I was a girl. Then I realize that I am a boy. WTF?! How did I become a boy? And that's when my alarm went off.

Soooo...back to the real story.

After yelling at the top of my lungs “READY!” and doing my little “I'm going to breakfast” dance, Zak shoots a flaming hate arrow through my bouncy breakfast love balloon. He mumbles “I gotta take a shower first” What?! Y? I didn't shower!!! So what if you're covered in grease from the fixing the van that I destroyed with my Super Fail Rays. We're just going for breakfast. WTH? I could literally hear my bouncy breakfast love balloon making that EEEEE noise as it's deflating.

So I make a heavy melodramatic sighing sound and park myself in front of the computer. I continue to sigh and ask Zak “Are you ready?” every 1.348645 minutes until he is annoyed and goes and gets in the shower.

20 minutes later he is ready and we start to head out the door. That is when I realize I don't have socks and shoes on. Or everything gathered in my purse that I need. So I spend 5 minutes doing all of this while Zak rolls his eyes and makes fun of me for not being ready. I just give him glares that normal people should be petrified of. However Zak is immune to these stares.

I bounce out the door all like Whoo hooo!! Eggs, bacon, toast and homefries!! And coffeeeeeeee!!! HOLY HORSE SHIT!! IT'S FREEZING!!!!!! I hate being cold. I also hate being hungry. Oh and I hate being out of my house. The excitement of BREAKFASSSSSSST made me forget all of this. Well except for the hungry part. I stand outside the van waiting for Zak to unlock it doing the I'm Impatient Why Haven't You Unlocked The Door Yet Jiggle Bounce.

So fast forward to after breakfast. Nothing really exciting happened other than the eating breakfast part and getting a book at Goodwill. Oh and I thwarted Zak's evil plot to make me do other things outside of the house. That sneaky devil used breakfast as a trickery to get me out and about for the day.

So after arriving home I actually started to work on things I needed to do. Amazing right? I went down to the basement and got to work. Now the mess of piles of laundry are now neatly folded, yet extremely wrinkled piles of laundry. Yay for me! Lily actually has clothes in her room again. Woot woot!!

So yeah. That was my day. I didn't get exactly everything done but I made progress and that is better than normal. I didn't eat lunch at 11 as planned. I shoved some frozen pizza in the oven 10 min before I had to leave for the studio and ate it on the way. But at least dinner was made for Lily. Zak was left to fend for himself.

Oh and I didn't have dance class tonight. :(

And oh yeah. You guys should totally recommend my blog to your friends. Yes I know I'm whoring out my blog, but I want it to be read by people who may potentially think I'm funny. Or at least entertaining. 

Dear Kate Gosselin,

I am writing you this letter because there has been something about you that has been bothering me for quite some time.  No, it's not that fact that you are a self righteous, money hungry fame whore.  No it's not that fact that you were so hateful to your husband that you drove him into the arms of other women and trashed him in the media.  He was only enjoying some excessive freedom from you and your tyranny.  And no it's not that fact that I think your children deserve a life that is free of the media and paparazzi.  They will hate you enough for that, if they don't already.

The reason I am writing is that we need to discuss your pronunciation of the word "our".  It is pronounced hour, like those things we have 24 of in a day?  It's not "are" or "arrrr".  Arrrr is what pirates say.  And even though you are like a shipwreck, I don't think arrrr applies here. 

Thank you for your time.  Please think about what I've said in this letter.  I mean it with all of my heart.  You hateful skank.  :)

Yours truly,

Toby

This Totally Cracked Me Up!!

A South Central PA New Year's Eve

Do ever have a moment when you start analyzing your life and wondering where exactly you fit into society? I had one of those moments last night while I was being forced to dance a Hillbilly Jig w/a guy that rode his mule to the bar.

Yes you heard me right. Let me share these photos with you so you can plainly see I was not hallucinating. 

You see this cowboy happened to grab me on my way back from the bathroom. “Dance with me!” he yells. Since he had been jigging around for a few minutes the whole bar was staring at him and now me. Great...I love being on the spot. In a mere 3.5 seconds I weighed the repercussions of dancing w/him or say no. If I dance w/him, everyone in the bar sees me make an ass out of my self. If I say no to the beloved bar cowboy I make an even bigger ass out of myself. So that's how I ended up jigging w/a mule riding cowboy.

This is just one of the highlights from the night. Let me share.

1. Immediately after setting up and starting the general music, we get an onslaught around 4 or 5 over 55ish group. I know, 5 people is not an onslaught to most people but it is to me. They start requesting songs at rapid pace. I just stand there and spin in circles while Zak is taking care of all of them. I really get paid for this.
2. The same crowd now decides that they just want to pretend to sing. And I don't mean like pretend like they can sing and sing karaoke. No they just want to hold the mics and sing along to the song. Without the mics on.
3. Around 11 the bar owner starts handing out those twirly noisy things that I despise. Immediately everyone in the entire bar starts twirling them at once. I had to escape outside before I lost my mind.
4. At midnight they drop a frozen chicken...it's actually pretty cool. I love it. Unfortunately since I was working I had to stay inside and run the sound system while everyone else (excluding the one bartender and the cowboy who were inside) went outside and ate broasted chicken legs and watched the chicken drop. :(
5. Cowboy asks me if I have another boyfriend besides him. I just stared at him because I was afraid he might get angry if I told him yes. And then I was scared he would try to kidnap me and take me home on his mule if I said no. So I told him yes and point out Zak. He goes “Oh a white boy huh?” Um...yes?! I'm not sure if he meant that he thought I didn't look like the type that liked white boys? I was confused.
6. Oh and some lady in her 60s thought she was my new best friend. She was the one I told you to ignore in the pic above. She reminded us of Aunt Lil from Squidbillies. I hid her face because well, I wouldn't want people to know I was Lil from Squidbillies.

As you can see it was a fun time. I actually am serious when I say that I had a great time. I just question my sanity when I say that!

Happy New Year Everyone!!! <3 I'm celebrating tonight by drinking wine straight out of the bottle. Yeah I'm classy like that!