Real World vs Toby World

After almost a full day of huge anxiety, it's kinda amusing to sit back and compare how things really were to how things appeared to me. 

So last night Zak went to Wal Mart with Missy.  Initially I was gonna go but the waves of anxiety overtook me and that wasn't happening.  So about an hour after they left I decided to go to bed.  I texted Zak.  Then like 3 minutes later I remembered something else to tell him.  So I texted him that too.  10 min later I have no response.  I'm laying in bed and imagining that something happened.  Maybe they had a wreck and he's dead.  I laid there and imagined all the scenarios of my future life w/o him.  It was ridiculous.  Then my phone goes off and it's Zak.  Obviously not dead.  

There's a few others in there but I'm skipping ahead to this one...they aren't that interesting or a bit too private to share.  

Lily and some other girls got invited to stay after school today for dinner and getting their hair, makeup and nails done.  After that they were going to the high school to see the musical.  Well my anxiety brain decided to make up a scenario that this was some sort of scam and she was actually getting kidnapped.  Yeah I spent most of the evening running scenarios of that through my head.  I can't tell you the relief that washed over me when I saw her when she got home.  I feel like such an idiot now.  

I wonder if one day this will all be gone?  Or will I live w/this forever.  The meds made this so much easier, but they also took the real me and hid me away under that haze of contentment.  Yes it made my day to day life much easier to handle, but it left me screaming inside too.  And honestly I can't tell you which situation is better.