True Talk From the Brain of Toby

Working 3rd shift gives me a lot of time to think.  Tonight I thought about all the changes and things that have occurred in the past 8 months.  And then I thought about the actions of friends and so called friends.  And then all of this swam through my head.  Enjoy! 

First of all I have learned that tomorrow is not a promise.  In more ways than one.  In March I lost a friend who had been a very close friend of mine back in the day.  We had just caught up maybe a year or so before he died and I was really excited about having him back in my life.  Sadly though we didn't have much time and I wish that I had made more time to see him.  I can't change that but I wish I could.  I won't say I regret it because I'm not regretting anything in my life anymore.  

Which brings me to this.  NO REGRETS.  I can honestly say as bad as I've hurt and continue to hurt from my lost relationship, there really is nothing I regret.  Of course there are things I wish I could have done differently and I wish I hadn't been as stupid or naive, but that is who I am and I can't change that.  But as far as the entire relationship I don't regret it.  I made some great friends and had some fantastic times in the course of my 4+ years with Zak.  I wouldn't change a minute of it if I could.  I guess Garth Brooks summed it up pretty well in The Dance.

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

NO REGRETS!!  :)

Lastly to all of my  friends that have stood by me through the good, the bad and the extremely fugly.  I have this to say...

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for tolerating me through the real tears and the foolish tears and my foolish pride.  I will never claim to be perfect or anything even close.  All I ask is that you accept me for who I am and for all my flaws.  I promise to love you all unconditionally and hope that you do the same.  Call me out on all the stupid things I do or say.  I may not like it, but it will be noted in my brain and someday I might realize the error of my ways.  Because I know that you want me to be happy and to grow into the best person I can be.  And for this I love you.  

I wasn't going to add this part and quite honestly the people it is directed to probably won't even see this, but I feel that it has to be said so that it's out of my head.  Those of you who felt our friendship wasn't worth all this, I'm sorry.  I never asked anyone to choose sides.  Most of my friends could accept this and stay neutral (as much as they could), but a select few sorry asses couldn't and for that I'm sorry.  Sorry that you aren't strong enough to handle it.  And sorry that our friendship had to come to an end.  But at least you weren't fake and pretended to be my friends while secretly playing for the other team.  Well all but one of you...

Things I Learned About Myself Wednesday Night

After a looooong 2 weeks of working constantly I enjoyed a night out w/some friends.  Pre gaming was a must because I'm broke.  So the night just started out on a steep decline. 

1.  I can do an awesome Amy Winehouse impersonation.  Just w/o all the drugs and dying.
2.  I make poor decisions about discussing my feelings w/people.
3.  I love So Co w/tabasco. 
4.  I can not only use the word pretentious while drunk, I can spell it properly too.
5.  I need a phone "sitter" when I'm emotional and drinking. 
6.  Rock bottom isn't as scary as I thought it could be. 
7.  Singing Paradise by the Dashboard Light w/someone other than him, was the closure I was looking for.  :)

People That Annoy Me Pt 2: Pay Attention To Me Patty

Patty has issues.  And Patty let's you know about these issues.  Quite often.  You can usually pick out Patty by her rotating group of close friends.  She is constantly sucking them in and spitting them out.  No, not spitting them out.  That's not correct.  They usually run screaming out of the rotating door. 
   
Patty sucks you in by making you feel sorry for her.  Oh she has such a terrible life.  This week her dog got hepatitis on Monday, she ran out of gas on the highway on Tuesday, on Wednesday she got food poisoning and Thursday she had a complete mental breakdown because she heard a song on the radio that made her think of her poor dog with hepatitis and she just couldn't take it anymore.  And all her friends have abandoned her and she is miserable. 

Once you are sucked into the trap you are helpless.  If you are like me you try to make poor Patty's life better and less miserable.  You spend weeks chatting with her and spending time working tirelessly to improve her world.   Sadly with Pay Attention to Me Patty you cannot reach this goal.  She is in need of constant attention.  If you fix her life, then she won't have anything to use in her quest for constant attention.  And then you realize that most of the stuff that she used to get your attention was either by her doing or greatly exaggerated.  The dog with hepatitis?  Turns out it's just a gluten allergy.  The reason she ran out of gas?  Cuz she was too lazy to stop for it.  Food poisoning?  Nope it was a hangover from the pity me bender the night
before.  And well the song that caused the mental breakdown, that was just made up. 

Soon you will find yourself pawing at the rotating door of this friendship, struggling furiously to get out.  Luckily for you, another sucker comes along and pushes you out the door.  FREEDOM!!!!!

You Cannot Make Quick Decisions With Anxiety

So we were all here at the house.  Me, Zak, Corey and Missy.  Well they decide to go to Taco Bell.  Now I hadn't planned on leaving the house tonight.  My anxiety started screaming, so I declined to ride along.  However my anxiety was like "oh hell no!  she ain't gettin away w/that shit!!"  and attacked me again.  Suddenly I realized I was home all by myself and I DEFINITELY had not planned on that!  And that is waaaay scarier!  Ugh!  And to top it off apparently the bell on the header of the Taco Bell page rings if you scroll over it.  And it sounds so ominous!  I gotta stop typing now to go make sure all the locks on the doors and the windows are secure.  Then hide in my comforter burrito cocoon til they return!!

People That Annoy Me Part 1: Awesome Al

The first thing you NEED* to know about Awesome Al is that he is awesome!!! And he will make sure you know this by talking about his awesome self for longer periods of time than you ever thought possible. You went to the grocery store today, well guess what? So did Al! And he did it way awesomer than you ever could! You pumped gas today? Well so did Al and he pumped a full tank 15.879 seconds faster than your sorry ass did! You were in Vietnam? Well so was Al! And he fought off 800 Viet Kong in 16 minutes with nothing but his hands. His hands are a lethal weapon and you should be in awe of his mightiness and be terrified for your life. You volunteer at your local children's hospital? Well guess what? Al successfully cured all childhood illnesses in a matter of 3 weeks. Al is that awesome!! 
 Most of the time Al's tales of awesomeness are false.  Or greatly exaggerated.  But sadly you cannot point this out to Al because it will cause a mental collapse and he will compensate by telling even more awesomer stories.  And trust me, you don't want that!!
*I emphasized the word need because only Awesome Al feels that you need to know this information.

Zynga and ADD Running Amok!!

I've decided to write this post in an effort to explain the Non Zynga People of the World, why I enjoy playing all the Zynga games. It's not an effort for people to stop making fun of me. In fact I will probably be made fun of more or people will feel pity for me. You may also think I am insane. Or all of the above.

I stopped typing this about 30 min ago so that I could go play Cityville. I'm pretty sure this will happen quite often throughout the writing of this. No not pretty sure, quite definitely beyond a doubt sure. I wish I was resourceful enough to find better adjectives, but I'm not. Gotta get back to my Cityville!!

Also I felt it necessary to share that I am also eating Taco Bell and a cupcake. Which is delicious. Thank you Mrs Beav!! Hmmm I wonder if she even reads my blog? Maybe I should mention to her that I mentioned her.

Oh and Golden Grahams. I had some of those too. I sound like a pig, but honestly I'm not. I've just been distracted that long that I had a meal and a snack. And I'm exhausted for some reason. I mean I slept 10 hours last night (which was a treat let me tell you) and then I ran one errand today. And went to Taco Bell. Seriously. Not much of a challenge even for me. I could have totally done 1 more thing w/o getting tired.

Well I guess Zak thought I needed finish this blog cuz he restarted the router. Or something I didn't understand. And I just read through what I've already written and am laughing. This turned into a story of my everyday ADD self, instead of why I love Zynga. Whatev.

Ok here are the reasons I love playing Zynga games.

1. Accomplishments. I get shit done in my virtual world. I am an amazing organizer and take care of all my crops, businesses and people.
2. Rewards. I do stuff and am rewarded with more stuff!! I love it. I get all kinds of free meals, businesses, homes, toys and other really nifty stuff.
3. I get to brag about my wonderful accomplishments and show them off to my friends. Adversely my friends get to show off to me too. This sometimes makes me jealous and work harder. I get more shit done!!
4. I am so organized. I know I mentioned that in #1, but I needed to emphasize it here. My farm, frontier and city are all very organized. No messiness here!!
5. My characters are skinny, beautiful and have great hair. No zits or runny noses. No coughing fits. Heck, they never go to the bathroom or have to shower. And most importantly my awesome little characters never feel anxiety about the things around them. Nothing is scary to them!
6. I am rich and successful. I have so much money!! And I can spend it on stupid things. Like gum drop fences or 8 million potted plants.
7. No real responsibilities. Heck if I miss a day it doesn't matter. I can just fix everything that withered or died. It's amazing!!!
8. I am showered in gifts every day!!! All my friends love me!! They give me lots of gifts all day every day!! I am so popular!
9. I can adjust the weather. If I'm tired of snow, poof I can make it grassy or sandy or whatever I choose. Also it never rains!! It never looks really hot either. I've never seen any of my characters sweating.

I am sure there are more reasons, but these are the ones I can think of. I hope you enjoy the attached picture!! :) 

Plan B

So I was gonna finish my blog I started yesterday.  But I got drunk instead.  So here is a picture of my dream house.  I hope you enjoy.  

I Feel Special!!

OMG!!  I have 6 followers now!!  I'm so excited!  I definitely shrieked w/excitement when I saw that.  So I've decided this...Once I have 10 followers I will write a little bit about each of you describing my favorite memory.  :)  Yay!!!  Except I'm a little confused who "neongirlie96" is.  I know a girl that drives a Neon...is this you?!  :)

Keepin It Classy...Windsor Style

Sometimes I feel that it's hard to explain how life in Windsor really is.  This pic explains it all.  Zak and Corey waiting for the battery on the van to charge.  I'm not sure why there isn't a cooler of beer and a spit can beside them.  Maybe cuz they didn't have enough time?  You can click on the pic if you need to see my comments more closely.

Yeah This Again

So I've decided that my problem is the fact that I am enjoying wallowing too much.  It gives me an excuse to avoid being a grown up.  So tomorrow I'm gonna be a grown up and I don't care how hard it is for me.  I don't care if it exhausts me.  I'm gonna do it.  

Here's the plan:

7:30:  Wake up.  Eat breakfast like a normal human being.  Also shower for the first time since...uh Thursday? 

8:30:  After applying make up and doing hair and possibly accessorizing leave for work.  

12:00 Leave work after doing an efficient and organized job.  

12:15: Return home and do grown up stuff like dishes, laundry and all the other grown up stuff I've avoided in the past week(s?).  

After that:  Groceries and date night w/ma honey after Lily leaves for her sleepover.  

That doesn't sound too difficult I know.  But it will be a challenge and if I accomplish it all I will continue to do it.  Monday.  I'll need a day to rest from all that effort. 

The Story of Zak and Toby Pt 1

Maybe I should start this w/a little background about myself at this time in my life.

I was single and very angrily single. Not gonna get into the details of that. But I was bitter/angry single girl. I worked full time during the week and at that point Jeremy was getting Lily every Saturday night and sometimes Fridays too. So if Lily wasn't home I'd go out w/my friend Ang and party it up.

And when I say party it up I mean get FUBAR and attempt to find happiness w/a man at a bar. Yeah not the best plan, but I've never said I'm a good planner.

I did meet a guy around December. Not sure of the date cuz yeah I was always wasted. We started spending some time together, but be both knew this wasn't gonna go anywhere. I was aware of that from the start, but I thought I could make him want to be with me. Lol...again not a good plan. I did the opposite of that and lots of drama ensued.

So anyway...I met Zak around the same time I met Other Guy. Ang and I would go to the diner after the bar and he was always there. The first time we had a conversation it went a little like this. I know it didn't go exactly like this cuz I was drunk and half asleep in a booth.

Zak: (randomly out of nowhere) Why do you put up that wall?

Me: What wall?

Zak: The wall that keeps everyone out. You try to pretend you're something that you're not.

Me: Shut the F*ck up and get away from me!

Romantic isn't it? I started referring to him as “The Creepy Guy From the Diner” due to that conversation and the fact that he wore sandals all the time. I hate feet and the fact that his were visible made me not like him even more.

So we'd run into each other every weekend and every weekend I would try to avoid him like the plague. But he had a boner (yeah that's a classy term right there) for my friend Ang so he would always come say hi. I would usually be rude or just flat out ignore him. Bitter and angry didn't like this guy who could see right through me. And the fact that I could sense his presence before he would appear made me mad too. I hated being aware of him. I hated that he could see through me. I know it was because I was scared that he could see the real me that I tried to hide from the world. I desperately wanted to keep her hidden.

Fast forward to like March something. The weekend of hell as I call it. Friday night I go out w/Ang and of course we end up at the diner. Somehow a giant argument starts between a bunch of us over drama that wasn't really worth it. At the time it may have felt like it was important, but it wasn't. We ended up outside arguing (no physical fighting) and we were right in front of the window where Zak was sitting. Drama goes on and on and I'm just leaning against the wall bored w/the whole thing and wanting to go home. Zak and his table of friends are watching us and that kinda annoyed me so I pressed my boobs against the window as a distraction. Not bare boobs of course. I'm not that classless. Lols were had etc...

The next night same story same place except this time I'm front and center in the drama of the times. The aforementioned guy that I was actively trying to make love me was involved. The details aren't important, but I was wrongfully accused of something and that made me angry. I was ready to just shut out the world and live in a little bubble of me and my happy little wall world. But the fates had other plans...

I lived in my bubble world for about 2 days when randomly I decide to email Zak and ask him about something that had come up in conversation one time. I hadn't really been interested in the topic at that time, but for some reason now seemed like the time to care. By emailing him it started a 4 hour conversation in AIM and ended up w/us having a date at the end of the week.

Now this part is the one that's hard to explain. I was super excited about this date. I didn't know why, because up until this point I despised him. But it felt like this was something I was supposed to do. It was like the puzzle pieces of my life that I had strewn about were coming together. Not completely, more like I had just sorted out the outside pieces and they were waiting to be put together. That's the best example I can give of how I felt.

Ok I think this is a good place to stop right now. The next part will start the night before our first date.

Real World vs Toby World

After almost a full day of huge anxiety, it's kinda amusing to sit back and compare how things really were to how things appeared to me. 

So last night Zak went to Wal Mart with Missy.  Initially I was gonna go but the waves of anxiety overtook me and that wasn't happening.  So about an hour after they left I decided to go to bed.  I texted Zak.  Then like 3 minutes later I remembered something else to tell him.  So I texted him that too.  10 min later I have no response.  I'm laying in bed and imagining that something happened.  Maybe they had a wreck and he's dead.  I laid there and imagined all the scenarios of my future life w/o him.  It was ridiculous.  Then my phone goes off and it's Zak.  Obviously not dead.  

There's a few others in there but I'm skipping ahead to this one...they aren't that interesting or a bit too private to share.  

Lily and some other girls got invited to stay after school today for dinner and getting their hair, makeup and nails done.  After that they were going to the high school to see the musical.  Well my anxiety brain decided to make up a scenario that this was some sort of scam and she was actually getting kidnapped.  Yeah I spent most of the evening running scenarios of that through my head.  I can't tell you the relief that washed over me when I saw her when she got home.  I feel like such an idiot now.  

I wonder if one day this will all be gone?  Or will I live w/this forever.  The meds made this so much easier, but they also took the real me and hid me away under that haze of contentment.  Yes it made my day to day life much easier to handle, but it left me screaming inside too.  And honestly I can't tell you which situation is better. 

My shower curtain just may kill me...

Ok so pretty bad week overall.  By the end of night Wednesday I knew there was a panic attack brewing.  I kept waiting for it.  All day Thursday I did nothing until I had to go to work because I knew it was coming.  And it didn't.  Eventually I thought that I had progressed quite well in my quest against anxiety.  I was wrong.  Painfully wrong.

It all started when I decided to paint my nails.  I painted them silver but decided they needed to be more colorful.  So I tried adding bright blue polish to the tips like a French.  Ugly.  So I decided to just paint over top the silver with the blue.  It looked pretty good.  Here is where the problem starts. 

I have no patience.  So I start doing stuff.  Lo and behold I smudge one.  Then another and another.  Grrrrrr.  Why does this always happen to me?  Oh yeah...ADD. 

See this is where I miss my meds.  I could totally paint my nails and patiently wait for them to dry.  Without meds I'm a 4 y/o on a Pixie Stix bender.  And I probably wouldn't be typing such short paragraphs.  Moving on...

So I keep smudging them thinking I can make like some cool design.  Ha ha.  No!  It looked like I let a 2 y/o paint my nails.  So I need to get this crap off my hands due to the fact that I have to work tomorrow morning.  So I go upstairs and am immediately gripped in fear.  As usual this AM after showering I closed the shower curtain.  Never a problem before.  But the cute froggie shower curtain I just purchased and hung is not see through.  Which obviously means a serial killer is lurking behind it. 

Great!  That's when the panic attack starts.  And as I have been doing in recent weeks when the attacks start, I begin to talk myself out of them.  I sound like an idiot, but it has been working.  But it's an up and down process.  I start feeling better and then the fear creeps in.  All of the sudden the cute froggies looked evil as hell.  They totally looked like they wanted to eat me and I ran. 

You win this time frogs, but someday I'll be stronger...

Snow Wars!!!!

Yeah I haven't blogged anything on here lately.  One because I've been trying to spend less time in front of a computer and two because there hasn't been anything really interesting to blog about.  So let's talk about the last week and see if I can come up w/anything semi amusing. 

SNOW...So yeah it's Winter, my least favorite time of year.  And we have been getting crap weather for like weeks.  Snow, ice and rain.  The snow was kinda fun.  And by kinda fun I mean not at all.  Ok I lie.  The Windsor Parking Space War of 2011 was kinda fun.  Zak spent a good bit of time shoveling out our car.  And by our car, I mean my dad's car because I have broken all of our cars.  Maybe I should finish the blog I started about me breaking cars...Anyway Zak shoveled out our spot and our dickhead neighbor then took the spot when Zak went to work.  Ok here's the thing.  I hate putting out a chair in our spot.  In my head if someone sees an open spot they should think "Did I shovel that out?"  If the answer is no, then don't park there.  Seems simple enough to me.  But alas the dickhead parked there.  Which made Zak very angry and caused him to shovel a huge pile of snow in front of the dickhead's car.

So the next day dickhead tries to leave.  Oops!!  He can't get out...Hee hee.  We were watching this from the window and laughing our asses off.  I'm sure he heard us.  So instead of digging himself out, he proceeds to back up and pull forward like 15 times.  And he kept flooring it and ramming the backend of his car into the snow pile that was already there in the back of the space.  This causes him to bust out a tail light.  Which he blames Zak for...Ok this tells you how smart this dickhead is...Zak shoveled the snow in front of the car.  But dickhead is telling everyone that whoever shoveled him in busted out his tail light...Ok...

Back to the battle.  So that evening dickhead decides to seek revenge on Zak.  He gets out his ancient lawn tractor w/a plow on the front.  The plow is the size of a shovel.  So he motors on up the sidewalk at like 1 mile an hour on a quest to plow our car in.  Too bad Zak had to leave for work again and that ruined dickhead's epic quest.  Tee hee!  He yells at Zak "I can play dirty too buddy".  OMG!  Seriously...

So after Zak leaves he texts me and says "I think I will shovel out the Voyager and move it around back so that frees up parking out front"  I agree that this would be a nice idea seeing as how parking sucks when it snows.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut it turns out that dickhead decided since he couldn't plow in the car we were using, he plowed in the Voyager.  Like piles snow all over it, top to bottom.  Zak sees this and says "F it, he screwed himself since that would have left an open spot closer to his house"  Oops!  Good job buddy!!

Well I was gonna write about more stuff, but I think this should cover it for awhile.  I will finish the blog about me killing vehicles and then finish the story of Zak and Toby and how we ended up together.  Maybe I will finish that for Valentine's Day.  Maybe...

TTFN!!  <3

Look What I Found!!

I just found this in some old stuff.  It was something I typed up in final days at my old job.  Obviously I was ready for a change...

7/15/10

 11:04 am

Ugh.  So after being off work for a week I am back to work.  And it effin sux.  Fiance had to literally drag me out of bed this morning.  And I do mean literally.  7:20 he is yanking me by the arm and I'm making myself as limp as possible.  But he finally got me up and moving.  Did I mention I had to leave by 7:25.  Yeah didn't happen, so no time to stop for coffee and I am really really low on gas.  Here's to hoping I make it to the gas station after work. 

So yeah, so far today I've answered 5 phone calls, done 3 sheets of paperwork, filed 2 things, took my smoke break, went to the lunchroom for coffee and applied my makeup.  Oh and I ordered a book.  Whoo.  I'm using so much of my potential today.  My high school guidance counselor must be thrilled.  Oh wait...that fat old perv is dead, so he is probably rolling over in his grave.  If he has any room to. 

11:17 am

So yeah.  In the middle of typing this my boss comes over and tells me we have to go to HR.  Super.  I knew it was because yesterday I was to come back to work and I thought I hit snooze, but didn't.  I woke up at 12ish and called in freaking out.  So I'm on written warning and next stop is termination if it happens again.  Mother beep...

Well at least I have a pizza coming for lunch.  Hallelujah!  And tomorrow is Friday too.  Which means I only have to be here til 12.  Not that I've been here all week, but still.  Fiance and I are hoping that soon I will be able to quit.  The only downfall will be that I won't have health insurance.  Maybe I can just mooch off the system for awhile til we can afford it.  Hell why not right?  And didn't Obama pass something about some new healthcare or something?  I should read up on that. 

Oh so yeah, when I went to HR they had to take my pic cuz we have a new president and she needs to put names w/faces.  Thank god I put makeup on like 5 min before I got called down there!  Phew!

So sucky thing, my new meds are making me so sick in my stomach.  Good thing though is that I'm losing weight.  Even Fiance noticed. 

12:57 pm

3 hours 32 minutes to go.  Sigh.  Not much to do.  Read some articles online on MSN about missing children.  That was a real picker upper.  Riiiight.  Put on some lip gloss too. 

Lunch was super exciting.  Called my insurance company to pay my bill and then ate a slice of pizza and smoked a cigarette.  I'll tell ya, I live a wild and crazy life.  I can't wait to get home to see my daughter.  With me being sick that last week, I feel like I haven't seen her in forever.  I really miss that little stinker. 

So yeah, I am not working at the studio this summer.  Studio owner wants me to take the summer off and try to get my health in order.  Unfortunately working there is not the issue.  I love it there and am very sad that I'm not gonna be there for awhile.  But it will be nice to have off.  Especially since I only work 36 hours at my FT job.

1:11 pm

OMG I just yawned on the phone w/a customer.  I swear these meds have made me stupid!!

1:25 pm

Tick tock tick tock...walked to the cooler for some water.  3 hours 5 min to go!  Oh I almost forgot to mention I got a new vehicle.  It's a prize I'll tell ya!   It's 1990-something Voyager.  Gray w/wood paneling.   Super hot!  I really think I will let my graffiti artist friend just have at it.  WTF right? 

1:34 pm

Twirling in my chair and staring at the ceiling.  Feeling a bit dizzy.  And I yawned a couple more times.  Think I need some more coffee.  Have to wait til everyone is back from lunch before I can go though.  L 

1:43 pm

Just spent a good minute playing a game w/the motion sensor light above my desk.  I sit real still til the red light goes off and then sit up real fast, as if I can startle it.  Wow.  Also I yawned 4 times in 10 minutes.  I kept track.  I may have missed one though.   And I'm up to a whole 10 calls today. 

2:16 pm

Whoo hoo soon break time!  Got my coffee so I am a little more alert than earlier!

2:42 pm

Just got back from break!  It is so hot out.  I have my little sweat goatee goin on.  Lovely.  Time for some face powder and more lipstick! 

2:45 pm

Ok just to let you know what kind of area I live in, I go online and under local activities on MSN the top event is Quilt Odyssey 2010.  Really?!  Gosh I can't believe it's that time already.  Seems like it's only been a few months since Quilt Odyssey 2009...

2:49 pm

Ooooh found a tantalizing story on the history of Mullets...

3:11 pm

To quote my fiancé "I really just lack the give a shit today"  Not about my job, but about interactions w/people.  Not because my life is so important that others are trivial, I just don't really care today.  I mean if someone was hurt or upset I would care, but general day to day babble is really giving me a rash.

3:15 pm

My big decision so far this afternoon is should I apply lip gloss or lipstick?  Hmmm...stay tuned for my decision. 

3:19 pm

Lipstick it is.  Smoothness won over stickiness. 

3:39 pm

51 minutes to go...My bra is digging into me.  Grrrr.  I can't wait to get home and shower and get into my pjs. 

3:53 pm

37 more  minutes.  Thank god I ordered this pizza for lunch.  The leftovers will be dinner. 

TIME TO GO HOME!!!

Welcome To My Panic Attack

As most of you already know I have anxiety issues. I deal w/it everyday and some days are worse or better than others. Occasionally I have panic attacks. They can be triggered by huge things like being in a crowded room or stressful situations. I almost always have one when I get a severe migraine. But some just come out of the blue. Take yesterday for example. I sneezed and this happens.

My ears start to ring and my heart starts to race. Then my legs and hands start to shake. I try to start my breathing exercises but every sound I hear sounds menacing. My next trick is to try talking to myself to calm down but in my head it sounds like I am yelling at myself. I wish Zak was awake to help me through this, but I can't go upstairs to wake him. I scratch an itch and my skin hurts because I scratched way too hard. Try to smoke a cig to see if that will help. Nope. Ok let's try to eat something? Maybe but I'm too scared to move. I decide to drink some of my coffee. Nope. And that's when things get worse.

I shut my eyes and squeeze them hard together. I yell at myself to stop this BS. I wish I could just go to sleep but I know that won't happen. I wish I had my meds but I don't. That would make life so much easier.

That's when I decide to type this up so that I can share it w/you. I don't know why in that moment I thought of doing that but I did. Somehow I felt that sharing this moment with you will somehow make me feel less crazy. But now that I'm better I feel kinda silly, but I am sticking with my plan.

After I type up a mess of words that I just edited into a normal sentence structure so you could understand it, I stumble to the living room to curl into a ball until this passes. Luckily it didn't last much longer. It was a total of 45 minutes. But it's a painfully scary 45 minutes. I hate this and wish I could figure out how and why and what I can do to fix it.

Anyway, here is what this looked like before I edited it. 

Ears start to ring

heart starts to race

legs and hands start to shake

every sound is menacing

try talking to myself to calm down but that sounds like i'm yelling

wish zak was awake

scratch an itch and my skin hurts because I scratched way too hard

try a cig nope

eat? Maybe but i'm too scared to move

drink something

nope.

Shut my eyes and squeeze them hard together. Yell at myself to stop it

wish I oculd just go to sleep but I can't

wish I had my meds but I don't

decide to type this up so that I can share it w/you

stumble to the living room to curl into a ball until this passes.

Gathering My Zombie Fighters and Canned Goods!!!

 **OK THERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PIC HERE, BUT THE SERVER KEEPS REJECTING IT.  I SWEAR IT'S NOT PORN!  HOPEFULLY I CAN ADD IT LATER.  :(

What is with all these dead birds?!

They estimated something like 4,000-5,000 dead birds fell from the sky in Arkansas and now they found 500 more in Louisiana.

This scares me tremendously. I mean can you imagine if this happens in PA? Especially anywhere remotely near me? I can only imagine the scenarios that my brain will come up with.

First I will be like OMG the apocalypse has hit York County!! The end of the world is nearing! I will find all my loved ones and try to convince them all that we have to take shelter somewhere safe. Somewhere like Ray's shop in Windsor. This place is like 6 floors and made of solid brick. And there are so many rooms we can hide in. Can you hide from an apocalypse? I will have to investigate this. But at least you could hide from the thousands of bird carcasses raining down on South Central PA.

Then I will move on to OMFG these birds are carrying some sort of disease. It's like Swine Flu, Mad Cow and that other bird disease that I can't remember all rolled into one. It's gotta be contagious right? I must find thousands of those Michael Jackson face masks and give them to everyone I know. Except for the people I don't like. They can fend for themselves. Just kidding! I will sell them to the people I don't like for $50 each! I will be rich. Hopefully I won't contract this horrible disease and can enjoy my millions!

Then that thought will morph into OMFG WTF? I bet these birds have some kind of zombie disease. Oh no!!!!! What will I do? I don't know how to defeat zombies!! I'm not good at Nazi Zombies or Dead Rising and I've never even seen more than 30 minutes of any Resident Evil movies! Why oh why did I not pay attention to Bubbahotep one of the zillion times Zak has watched it!! Wait...I did learn some stuff from watching Zombieland. Um...double tap. That's all I remember! Crap!!! Ok I will draft Zak, Corey, Lily, Beav, Josh and Shawn to be my zombie fighting team! They are all good at killing zombies in Black Ops! I will just put them in a circle all w/their backs facing me and they can protect me!! Well maybe not Lily, she is usually used as a decoy when playing Black Ops. Never mind!! Ok I this plan will work!

All of this because some dead birds? And I'm not buying that “They were scared by fireworks” bit. I didn't buy for the Arkansas Bird Rain Disaster and I'm still not buying it for the Louisiana Winged Creature Hurricane of 2011. I can't believe I'm going to spend the next year watching the sky waiting for dead birds to come hurling towards me. It's bad enough I run and scream when a real live non zombie disease carrying bird comes within 10 feet of me in any direction. Now I have to worry about this? FML...I may never leave my house again.

So which of the 3 options that I've suggested makes sense to you?

Setbacks :(

So yeah. About that SuperHouseWifeMom thing. Well there was a little setback today.

You see, last night around 10 pm I was sooooo cold. Our house is very old and drafty. I was literally wearing jeans, socks, shoes, 3 shirts and a sweater. I decide to make myself some decaf coffee to warm up. But as usual I wasn't paying attention or thinking about what I was doing and I made espresso. That didn't turn out well. I was so wound tight that I was jiggling my leg non stop the whole time I was writing my blog last night. I didn't go to bed til 3:30.

I vaguely remember my alarm going off. I always set 2 alarms because I am so afraid of oversleeping. Well I guess when the first alarm went off I thought “Oh I can get another 5 minutes of sleep” and fell back asleep. And never heard my second alarm. Oops.

I woke up at 10:00 on the nose. I knew right away that I was late. And by the time that I would've gotten Lily fed and ready for school it would have been too late to sign her in. So we are having a mommy/daughter day. Which at this point we have only eaten breakfast and now we are both on the computer.

However after playing some Black Ops we are gonna clean. I just have to figure out a way for her to believe this is a good and fun idea! :)

I really need to go see my mom. She had surgery yesterday and she is in the hospital for another few days. I really hate going to the hospital. First of all I would have to drive there. Then I would have to find a parking space and walk into the building where I am sure there is way over 1000 people. That terrifies me. The way normal people are terrified of ax murderers or serial rapists. I am terrified of people in general.

I am much better than I was before though. For 5 weeks last year I didn't leave my house. I was too scared of the world to even think about venturing out into it. Sadly this led to me losing my full time job and also my part time job.

Now I am still terrified of the world, but I do go out in it sometimes. I work 4 days a week at the studio, so that gets me out there. However the whole time I am driving places I am so freaked out. I look for cars or trucks to be pulling out of nowhere or swerving into my lane. I picture cops around every corner who will pull me over and arrest me for just looking like I am afraid of the world. I sometimes look for airplanes falling out of the sky. But that's only when I'm sitting at a stoplight. Or waiting in traffic.

Yeah I'm a freak of nature. But I'm giving it a good effort. :)

Oh. In closing I wanted to let you know that at the suggestion of my Itsy Bitsy Buddy, I will be writing a blog about how Zak and I met and ended up together. It will be broken into a lot of parts I'm sure. But I will get to that soon I promise! 

And about the picture above.  I don't know why I feel compelled to put pics up, but I do. I try to make them having something to do with my blog, but sometimes they are just random like me.  I just google a phrase that I make up and see what happens.  Like today's phrase is super fluffy bunny face. 

Planning, Breakfast, Thwarting and Accomplishments!!

So I decided that since I only work part time that my day to day housekeeping chores are like another part time job. So I thought I was reeeeeeeeeal smart by devising a “Work Schedule” to keep me motivated. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea. Well actually I do know. It's because in my head I'm gonna be SuperHouseWifeMom!!! Here I go w/that again.

This was my plan for today...

8 am Wake up bright eyed and bushytailed. Skip to Lily's room and wake her up.

8:05 Make breakfast and eat with Lily. Yay!! So much fun family time!!

850 am Take Lily to school.

9 am Return home

Drink coffee and mess around online. This is my time to relax from doing all that other stuff.

10 am Work on laundry room.

11 am Make a healthy lunch. Eat while online

1145 pm Work on laundry room more

2 pm Shower and get ready for work. Then relax until time to pick Lily up.

315 Leave to go get Lily and make her dinner at mom's house.

410 pm Leave for work

4:30 til 8 Work

8-845 Hip Hop

845-915 Tap

Come home and relax w/my lovies! <3

What my day was really like.

8:15 Roll out of bed. Stumble to Lily's room, half hoping that she will decide she wants to stay home today, cuz I'm that lazy. She doesn't want to stay home. She wants to go to school. :(

8:20 Don't have to make breakfast because Lily wants to eat at school. Yaaaaay! :)

8:25 Realize it's ridiculously cold outside. Convince Zak to take Lily to school for me. :)

8:45 Kiss Lily goodbye and sit my butt in front of the computer until Zak gets home.

9ish Zak suggests we go out for breakfast. OMG!!! Yay!! Foooooooooooooood!!! The lack of food in our house is depressing and I suddenly get so excited I can barely contain myself. I run upstairs with the intention of showering. While undressing realize it's bloody cold and the thought of being wet and naked is not appealing. So I just throw on some deodorant and put a bandana on. I look in the mirror, this will not do. I look like I'm going through chemo. No I'm not making fun of cancer patients, I'm just worried that someone will think I have cancer. And then rumors will start and my family will hear them and then I will get terrified phone calls or something like that. Yeah my brain is not right.

THIS IS WHERE I STOP POSTING TIMES BECAUSE IT GETS KINDA HAZY FROM HERE.

I come downstairs after applying make up, because in my head cancer patients don't wear makeup. I know, that is ridiculous but whatever. All is right in my world at this point. I yell “READY!” with so much excitement that I startled Zak who was hard at work editing music.

Oh I have to change course here. This is quite funny...well at least I think it is.

Zak had been up all night working on some songs he recently recorded. At some point he started editing “Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show”. Apparently he was editing the one part for quite awhile. This part “Brothers...I said Brothers!”. Well my subconscious after hearing it played over and over again decided to mess w/me. I start dreaming that Foghorn Leghorn is a preacher and I attend his church. But all he kept saying was “Brothers...I said Brothers!” and I was so confused because I was a girl. Then I realize that I am a boy. WTF?! How did I become a boy? And that's when my alarm went off.

Soooo...back to the real story.

After yelling at the top of my lungs “READY!” and doing my little “I'm going to breakfast” dance, Zak shoots a flaming hate arrow through my bouncy breakfast love balloon. He mumbles “I gotta take a shower first” What?! Y? I didn't shower!!! So what if you're covered in grease from the fixing the van that I destroyed with my Super Fail Rays. We're just going for breakfast. WTH? I could literally hear my bouncy breakfast love balloon making that EEEEE noise as it's deflating.

So I make a heavy melodramatic sighing sound and park myself in front of the computer. I continue to sigh and ask Zak “Are you ready?” every 1.348645 minutes until he is annoyed and goes and gets in the shower.

20 minutes later he is ready and we start to head out the door. That is when I realize I don't have socks and shoes on. Or everything gathered in my purse that I need. So I spend 5 minutes doing all of this while Zak rolls his eyes and makes fun of me for not being ready. I just give him glares that normal people should be petrified of. However Zak is immune to these stares.

I bounce out the door all like Whoo hooo!! Eggs, bacon, toast and homefries!! And coffeeeeeeee!!! HOLY HORSE SHIT!! IT'S FREEZING!!!!!! I hate being cold. I also hate being hungry. Oh and I hate being out of my house. The excitement of BREAKFASSSSSSST made me forget all of this. Well except for the hungry part. I stand outside the van waiting for Zak to unlock it doing the I'm Impatient Why Haven't You Unlocked The Door Yet Jiggle Bounce.

So fast forward to after breakfast. Nothing really exciting happened other than the eating breakfast part and getting a book at Goodwill. Oh and I thwarted Zak's evil plot to make me do other things outside of the house. That sneaky devil used breakfast as a trickery to get me out and about for the day.

So after arriving home I actually started to work on things I needed to do. Amazing right? I went down to the basement and got to work. Now the mess of piles of laundry are now neatly folded, yet extremely wrinkled piles of laundry. Yay for me! Lily actually has clothes in her room again. Woot woot!!

So yeah. That was my day. I didn't get exactly everything done but I made progress and that is better than normal. I didn't eat lunch at 11 as planned. I shoved some frozen pizza in the oven 10 min before I had to leave for the studio and ate it on the way. But at least dinner was made for Lily. Zak was left to fend for himself.

Oh and I didn't have dance class tonight. :(

And oh yeah. You guys should totally recommend my blog to your friends. Yes I know I'm whoring out my blog, but I want it to be read by people who may potentially think I'm funny. Or at least entertaining. 

Dear Kate Gosselin,

I am writing you this letter because there has been something about you that has been bothering me for quite some time.  No, it's not that fact that you are a self righteous, money hungry fame whore.  No it's not that fact that you were so hateful to your husband that you drove him into the arms of other women and trashed him in the media.  He was only enjoying some excessive freedom from you and your tyranny.  And no it's not that fact that I think your children deserve a life that is free of the media and paparazzi.  They will hate you enough for that, if they don't already.

The reason I am writing is that we need to discuss your pronunciation of the word "our".  It is pronounced hour, like those things we have 24 of in a day?  It's not "are" or "arrrr".  Arrrr is what pirates say.  And even though you are like a shipwreck, I don't think arrrr applies here. 

Thank you for your time.  Please think about what I've said in this letter.  I mean it with all of my heart.  You hateful skank.  :)

Yours truly,

Toby

This Totally Cracked Me Up!!

A South Central PA New Year's Eve

Do ever have a moment when you start analyzing your life and wondering where exactly you fit into society? I had one of those moments last night while I was being forced to dance a Hillbilly Jig w/a guy that rode his mule to the bar.

Yes you heard me right. Let me share these photos with you so you can plainly see I was not hallucinating. 

You see this cowboy happened to grab me on my way back from the bathroom. “Dance with me!” he yells. Since he had been jigging around for a few minutes the whole bar was staring at him and now me. Great...I love being on the spot. In a mere 3.5 seconds I weighed the repercussions of dancing w/him or say no. If I dance w/him, everyone in the bar sees me make an ass out of my self. If I say no to the beloved bar cowboy I make an even bigger ass out of myself. So that's how I ended up jigging w/a mule riding cowboy.

This is just one of the highlights from the night. Let me share.

1. Immediately after setting up and starting the general music, we get an onslaught around 4 or 5 over 55ish group. I know, 5 people is not an onslaught to most people but it is to me. They start requesting songs at rapid pace. I just stand there and spin in circles while Zak is taking care of all of them. I really get paid for this.
2. The same crowd now decides that they just want to pretend to sing. And I don't mean like pretend like they can sing and sing karaoke. No they just want to hold the mics and sing along to the song. Without the mics on.
3. Around 11 the bar owner starts handing out those twirly noisy things that I despise. Immediately everyone in the entire bar starts twirling them at once. I had to escape outside before I lost my mind.
4. At midnight they drop a frozen chicken...it's actually pretty cool. I love it. Unfortunately since I was working I had to stay inside and run the sound system while everyone else (excluding the one bartender and the cowboy who were inside) went outside and ate broasted chicken legs and watched the chicken drop. :(
5. Cowboy asks me if I have another boyfriend besides him. I just stared at him because I was afraid he might get angry if I told him yes. And then I was scared he would try to kidnap me and take me home on his mule if I said no. So I told him yes and point out Zak. He goes “Oh a white boy huh?” Um...yes?! I'm not sure if he meant that he thought I didn't look like the type that liked white boys? I was confused.
6. Oh and some lady in her 60s thought she was my new best friend. She was the one I told you to ignore in the pic above. She reminded us of Aunt Lil from Squidbillies. I hid her face because well, I wouldn't want people to know I was Lil from Squidbillies.

As you can see it was a fun time. I actually am serious when I say that I had a great time. I just question my sanity when I say that!

Happy New Year Everyone!!! <3 I'm celebrating tonight by drinking wine straight out of the bottle. Yeah I'm classy like that!